HM - The Mafia Dia's Death Wish

She watched as the door slammed shut once again, this time in her face.

"Judge not, lest ye be judged indeed might Reverend." she send quietly, mostly to herself.

With a small grin on her face, Dia crossed her arms behind her back and walked away.


Bob leaned against the door, and breathed in focused, repeated patterns trying to calm his frayed nerves. His senses were flattened by the constant stress of the environment, and he felt surreal. Almost as if all the events were happening outside of him in a totally unrelated fashion.

"Dear Gawd," he thought, "this must be how life was for that drug using psycho, Hunter S. Thompson. He must have felt like this all the time. Everything is so...untouchable and nothing makes sense."

Bob leaned against the door and heard the wood screek and squeal in the twisted, broken frame. He also caught just the tail end of Dia's little "private" comment.

"Lawd, " He thought. "Even though that painted jezebel is a kook, wearing all that satanic jewlery, with occult symbols, I know she is one of your children. And though I know it's a sin, I can't help but hope your judgement falls upon her in swift and piercing ways."

Bob searched the room for inspiration, and eventually his eyes fell on a large bowl of wax fruit, and his mind turned to the Good Book as usual.

With great deliberation he sought to remember the verses from the book of Monetary Discretion, Chapter 44, verses 89-107. (Rendered in a Jewish Accent.)

"And it came to pass that on a clear day, the profit could be seen for many miles. And the Cannites, and Shemites, and the Tectites, and the Hematites, and the Wheelrites did celebrate their excess with tributes to their pagan deities by slaugthering the fattened calves, and the plumped haddocks, and eels in their thousands.

And low came the prophet Abraham Favish Washington Jones, who was a man of GAWD. And Abraham spoke unto the Cannites, and Shemites, and Tectites, and Hematites, and Wheelrites, and did say unto them, 'Oy Vey! Man, is you people sparking up to the wrong God! What I'm trying to say, you better listen! The big G, the old G, the only G, is a jealous G, and those that don't listen, Meh! I vouldn't give you a fig for them! Do yourself the favor. Put out the fires, cancel the dancing. Come over to my tent, and I'll read you some scripture then we can have some nice Tuna Melts. Mary makes them with fresh tuna straight from the Red Sea, and some goat's milk cheese that melts so easy, you won't believe it."

But the Cannites and Shemites, and Tectites, and Hematites and Wheelrites did ignore the strange little man with the large gold chains, and continued in their celebrations until all fell from dancing, and drinking, and lust, and sin, and greed, and gluttony, and stuff.

And the Old G was mightily displeased.

For verily do I say unto you, it is better to place sensitive parts of your anatomy into the scorpions lair, than to displease the Oldest G.

And when the sun rose on the desert, and Abraham went out to water his camel and found those from all the other tribes dead. He went sensibly about checking their money pouches for change and saying, "I told you, but would you listen? Meh!" to each one."

Reverend Bob smiled at the enigmatic meaning he found, as always in The Word, and stretched himself out on the big, soft bed, and fell almost at once into the deep and comforted sleep of the innocent.

Vulash 18 years ago
(ooc) probably the funniest thing ever written
immy 18 years ago
((ooc))
Oy Vey! Man, is you people sparking up to the wrong God! What I'm trying to say, you better listen! The big G, the old G, the only G, is a jealous G, and those that don't listen, Meh! I vouldn't give you a fig for them! Do yourself the favor. Put out the fires, cancel the dancing. Come over to my tent, and I'll read you some scripture then we can have some nice Tuna Melts. Mary makes them with fresh tuna straight from the Red Sea, and some goat's milk cheese that melts so easy, you won't believe it."


Slipnish 18 years ago
Thanks!
Aniyah 18 years ago
ROFL! This is great!
Mai 18 years ago
These always crack me up. You're very good at writing. I'd like to ask though which version of the holy word is the Rev using because my NNS (New Non standard) edition reads slightly differently y
Slipnish 18 years ago
Its the New Non-Standard, Hybridized Version. Sanitized, sterilized, and revitalized.

Made pure by the Republican Party! :P

Glad you all are enjoying it.

I just hope my next character is this amusing...
Mai 18 years ago
LOL, me too! I'm sure it will be.