HM - The Mafia If the Rev. had made it.

I wrote out a little scenario just in case I made it. However, things don't look good for the Reverend, and since so many people have told me they like the character, I thought I would share.

Sorry about the length, its a kinda long, but I thought it sorta funny.

AFTERMATH

Cut Scene:

The outside of the “Haunted Mansion” is shown. Its exterior is now painted white and looks pristine. The grounds are immaculate (Would they be any other way?) and show signs of serious groundskeepers at work on a daily basis.

The camera pans in towards the building, and up to a recently built addition where a steeple has been added to the highest point of the building. The steeple is topped with a one hundred foot cross, and has multiple colored lights shining on it twenty-four hours a day.

Cue Credits: Voice over as the music swells:

Live from KBOB, we now present to you, the brand new, Christian Bobcasting Network! Where your prayers, pleas, and protestations go from your lips to Gawd’s own ears! And now, introducing, the one, the only, the anointed, the dear to your hearts, and to Gawd’s, THE REVEREND BOB TILTON!!!

Cue Applause.

The music swells as the outside scene fades, and an interior shot resolves into a small staged sitting. On a tiny raised platform sit several gilt covered chairs, an overstuffed couch, and several, obviously expensive tables and decorations.

Reverend Bob walks out.

Cue Applause.

Dressed in a white suit and “power tie” the Reverend is looking sharp. His combover looks better than ever, and his handkerchief matches his tie, down to the little gold crosses.

Bob pauses and waits for the applause to die down. After a few seconds, he holds up his hands, and smiles ingratiatingly at the live audience and at the cameras.

“Friends,” he booms in his best preachers voice, “I have come here today to tell you of a miracle. Each of you here today is witnessing the LAWD’S own work being done. The fact that we have this marvelous studio, our very own podium for GAWD, is nothing less than a miracle, for it was GAWD’S own hand that delivered me from EVE-VILLE, and let it happen.

You see, I went out on a limb for GAWD, and just like He promises, He paid me tenfold, for my work. For whosoever shall donate to Him, shall have his crops multiply and his wallet fatten!

Can I get an amen?”
The audience responds with a powerful and collective, “Amen!” as a tiny sign lights up with the word, Amen clearly printed on it in twenty inch high letters.

“You see brothers and sisters, it was GAWD’S own hand, that saved me from the fell machinations of sin, sinners, and death.

It was GAWD that delivered this estate to my ministry, and GAWD that leads me here to you today. Living proof that if you sew your seeds in the soil of the LAWD, not only will you receive life in the hereafter, but prosperity in your time in THIS life. Right here, right now.

Let me show you the scripture.”

Bob walks over to a tall gold encrusted podium with bas-relief of angels and the crucifixion carved into its front. Sitting on the podium, with a silken tassel hanging over the front edge, is a huge copy of The Good Book.

He puts on his glasses and peers down into the book for a second or two, before looking back up at the audience and camera.

KILL HOUSE LIGHTS.
CUE SPOT LIGHT ON THE PODIUM
START BACKGROUND MUSIC, BUT HOLD AT MIN. THRESHOLD FOR EFFECT.

“I speak to you today, brothers and sisters, from the book of Ruptures, Chapter 45, verses 104-122.

‘And it came to pass that those who believeth in the LAWD, did prosper. Their calves were fattened, their crops did tower, and their children did well in school and eschewed all earthly pleasures for hard work and support of their parents in their dotage.’”

Bob smiles at the crowd, and then looks back into the open book.

“’But for those who did not believe, it was better that they had been born unto a crack addicted mother, sold into sexual bondage, used by men who smelled of camels, urine, and six months of desert life with no bathing facilities and the vague hope that “soap” was a dietary supplement, than to press their feet upon the ground created by Him.

Yea, I say unto you now, it is better to have your ass drawn through a needle, than to believe not in the kind, forgiving manner of the LAWD.’”

Bob’s voice began to swell as he pounded down on the pulpit with a pudgy hand, emphasizing each horror of the non-believer.

“’For what is one to gain of this life, though he gain the world, for it is the meek that shall inherit it, when the natural resources are gone? It is through prayer and fervent admonition that those who would come to the LAWD should be accepted into his grace and mercy, and not be cast aside into the pits of Hell where demon spawn shall use them as bath mats and toiletry articles for eternity, as they burn.’

Amen.”

Bob whipped off his glasses, and for just a brief moment the thoughts of, “Superman!” went through each head watching. His face gleamed under the studio lights, his lips shined, and his combover took on a healthy and angelic halo effect under the lighting in the studio.

“Do you see brothers and sisters? Do you see? Plant your seed today. Don’t be left as the DAY-VIL’S doormat! I’m gonna let Brother Charlie give you the information, while we hear from our songbirds in the next studio.

Charlie tell them how to send in their love gifts to avoid eternal damnation.”

CUE CHARLIE
VOICE OVER

Send your tax-deductible donations to:
KBOB
123 Holier than Thou Blvd.
Anyplace, USA 000001

(continued)