HM - The Mafia If the Rev. had made it.

I wrote out a little scenario just in case I made it. However, things don't look good for the Reverend, and since so many people have told me they like the character, I thought I would share.

Sorry about the length, its a kinda long, but I thought it sorta funny.


Cut Scene:

The outside of the “Haunted Mansion” is shown. Its exterior is now painted white and looks pristine. The grounds are immaculate (Would they be any other way?) and show signs of serious groundskeepers at work on a daily basis.

The camera pans in towards the building, and up to a recently built addition where a steeple has been added to the highest point of the building. The steeple is topped with a one hundred foot cross, and has multiple colored lights shining on it twenty-four hours a day.

Cue Credits: Voice over as the music swells:

Live from KBOB, we now present to you, the brand new, Christian Bobcasting Network! Where your prayers, pleas, and protestations go from your lips to Gawd’s own ears! And now, introducing, the one, the only, the anointed, the dear to your hearts, and to Gawd’s, THE REVEREND BOB TILTON!!!

Cue Applause.

The music swells as the outside scene fades, and an interior shot resolves into a small staged sitting. On a tiny raised platform sit several gilt covered chairs, an overstuffed couch, and several, obviously expensive tables and decorations.

Reverend Bob walks out.

Cue Applause.

Dressed in a white suit and “power tie” the Reverend is looking sharp. His combover looks better than ever, and his handkerchief matches his tie, down to the little gold crosses.

Bob pauses and waits for the applause to die down. After a few seconds, he holds up his hands, and smiles ingratiatingly at the live audience and at the cameras.

“Friends,” he booms in his best preachers voice, “I have come here today to tell you of a miracle. Each of you here today is witnessing the LAWD’S own work being done. The fact that we have this marvelous studio, our very own podium for GAWD, is nothing less than a miracle, for it was GAWD’S own hand that delivered me from EVE-VILLE, and let it happen.

You see, I went out on a limb for GAWD, and just like He promises, He paid me tenfold, for my work. For whosoever shall donate to Him, shall have his crops multiply and his wallet fatten!

Can I get an amen?”
The audience responds with a powerful and collective, “Amen!” as a tiny sign lights up with the word, Amen clearly printed on it in twenty inch high letters.

“You see brothers and sisters, it was GAWD’S own hand, that saved me from the fell machinations of sin, sinners, and death.

It was GAWD that delivered this estate to my ministry, and GAWD that leads me here to you today. Living proof that if you sew your seeds in the soil of the LAWD, not only will you receive life in the hereafter, but prosperity in your time in THIS life. Right here, right now.

Let me show you the scripture.”

Bob walks over to a tall gold encrusted podium with bas-relief of angels and the crucifixion carved into its front. Sitting on the podium, with a silken tassel hanging over the front edge, is a huge copy of The Good Book.

He puts on his glasses and peers down into the book for a second or two, before looking back up at the audience and camera.


“I speak to you today, brothers and sisters, from the book of Ruptures, Chapter 45, verses 104-122.

‘And it came to pass that those who believeth in the LAWD, did prosper. Their calves were fattened, their crops did tower, and their children did well in school and eschewed all earthly pleasures for hard work and support of their parents in their dotage.’”

Bob smiles at the crowd, and then looks back into the open book.

“’But for those who did not believe, it was better that they had been born unto a crack addicted mother, sold into sexual bondage, used by men who smelled of camels, urine, and six months of desert life with no bathing facilities and the vague hope that “soap” was a dietary supplement, than to press their feet upon the ground created by Him.

Yea, I say unto you now, it is better to have your ass drawn through a needle, than to believe not in the kind, forgiving manner of the LAWD.’”

Bob’s voice began to swell as he pounded down on the pulpit with a pudgy hand, emphasizing each horror of the non-believer.

“’For what is one to gain of this life, though he gain the world, for it is the meek that shall inherit it, when the natural resources are gone? It is through prayer and fervent admonition that those who would come to the LAWD should be accepted into his grace and mercy, and not be cast aside into the pits of Hell where demon spawn shall use them as bath mats and toiletry articles for eternity, as they burn.’


Bob whipped off his glasses, and for just a brief moment the thoughts of, “Superman!” went through each head watching. His face gleamed under the studio lights, his lips shined, and his combover took on a healthy and angelic halo effect under the lighting in the studio.

“Do you see brothers and sisters? Do you see? Plant your seed today. Don’t be left as the DAY-VIL’S doormat! I’m gonna let Brother Charlie give you the information, while we hear from our songbirds in the next studio.

Charlie tell them how to send in their love gifts to avoid eternal damnation.”


Send your tax-deductible donations to:
123 Holier than Thou Blvd.
Anyplace, USA 000001


Slipnish 19 years ago
And remember, Reverend Bob loves you. And now, lets let the angels sing.


Bob resplendent in his white suit stands just in front of a three-tiered riser on which stand a bevy of beautiful women. Each is gorgeous in her own right, and they seem to be lined up in the following order: Blonde, brunette, redhead, repeat.

Bob smiles hugely at the camera.

“And now its music time here at KBOB, and I’d like to thank you all for hearing us this far. Let me introduce the official, the one, the only, Tongue Tied Bikini Gospel Choir! Hit it ladies!


The ladies rip off their choir robes to reveal heavenly bodies, tiny bikinis, and lots and lots of legs. Miles of legs. Legs that reach all the way to heaven. As one they begin to twist and writhe like pole dancers at a mob party, where coke was free, liquor was available through IV, and money was no object.

The music flares and they begin to sing: (To the tune of Sir Mixalot’s “Baby got Back”)

Oh my Gawd
Lilly, look at her purse
Its so fat
She looks like one of those Bel Air rich sheeple
Who understands those sinners?
They are only talked to because they have really fat bank accounts.
I mean her purse
It’s just so fat
I can’t believe it’s so stuffed
It’s just round.
I mean, it’s gross
Not donating to the Reverend Bob

I like big wallets and I can not lie
You other preachers can’t deny
That when a woman walks in with a big stuffed purse
The words come out in a curse.
You’re sprung.
Wanna pull up tough
Cause you notice that her pockets was stuffed
Deep in the pockets they wearing
We’re hooked and can’t stop staring.
Oh baby I wanna preach to ya,
And get your ID picture

Benny Hinn has tried to warn me
But that money you got
Makes me so horny.
Ooh, Wad of cash has power
You say you wanna get in my prayer tower?
Well write a check to me then, cause that money you got might last the weekend.

I’ve seen the Baptists dancin’
To Hell with no romancin’
We’re wet, sweat, Owing like credit card debt.

I’m tired of Magazines
Saying invest your earnings
Take the average man and ask him that
She gotta pack much cash.

So Fellas (Yeah) Fellas (Yeah)
Do your wallets have the cash (hell yeah)
Well spend it, spend it, spend it, spend it, empty out that purse
Baby got cash
Slipnish 19 years ago
(LA face with Reverend Bob’s money)

I like’em full and big
And when I’m preachin a gig
I just can’t help myself
I’m screamin for Gawd like an animal
In heat, Yeah that’s my scandal

I wanna take you Home
And UH double up UH UH
I ain’t talking ‘bout the PTL
Cuz their going to Hell.
I wannem real phat and spendin’
So find that retirement K fund
Reverend Bob’s in the Cayman’s
Preachin’ on the rocks of the Island.
Now I’m into memorabilia
Like a cut if you got hemophilia
It’s dangerous, and I feel ya
But ya gotta buy the Bible-mobile, ya.
A word to the thick skinned sinna
I wanna get the Word stuck in ya
I won’t cuss or heal ya.
But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna Preach
Til the break of dawn
Man, Reverend Bob is rappin on
A lot of preachers won’t like this song
Cuz them losers like to pass a plate.
But I’d rather stay and get the 401K
Cuz I’m big, and I’m strong
And Bob will show you the Way.

So ladies (yeah) ladies (yeah)
Do wanna ride in Bob’s Mercedes (yeah)
Then turn around
Pull your purse out
Even Catholics got to shout,
Baby got Cash.

(LA face with Bob’s own money)

Yeah sinner
When it comes to cash.
Bill Gates has nothing to do with saving Your soul.
Billions and billions of dollars?
He’s still gonna burn.

So your wife now wants a college fund
Cutin’ out coupons so she can save for one
But money can’t save your ass from hell nor get your wife a pass
My accountant don’t want none unless it folds in the middle hon
You can save your pennies and dimes, but please donate today
Some Preachers wanna play that soft role
And tell you that works are how to go
So they tell it, and yell it
But We’re so sure we Sell It
So Puritans claim you’re unfit,
Well Reverend Bob says, “Dimwit!”
Cuz there is a price for everythin’.
Every curse, thought, or sin.
To the cults that think they are it.
Ole’ Bob just says “Quit!”
Come to us for quick salvation.
We’re a full service station.
Some Preachers will try to dis.
Cuz his sheeple are on our list
He has lost his once showy flock.
But now they park in our block
So sinners if the purse is fat
And you want to know the cost of that
Dial 1-900-GOT-CASH
Baby got cash


I love you. Peace. I’m outie. Don’t forget to give. And remember, Gawd loves you too.



I hope you guys enjoy it. I know I had fun writing it.

Thanks for including me.
Geeii 19 years ago
<3 U me, 1-900-geeiijo
Verileah 19 years ago
That's a real work of art right there.
Mai 19 years ago
That was awesome!
Aniyah 19 years ago
haha this was great! You have talents /nod