Sorry to butt in, but I couldnt stay quiet. I am speaking ONLY from my own personal experience, NOT handing out advice or critisism.
Some people can never be wrong. I was married to a man that if I said "the sky is blue" he would tell me that "No, its cyan". Thus making me wrong and him right. Over EVERYTHING. (Ever watch the kid movie Matilda? "I'm right, your wrong, I'm big, your little, I'm smart, your dumb.) My self estime was zero. My self confidence was non-existant. I had to get out because I was passively suicidal after 6 years. (Oh look at the nice overpass, wonder what happens if the car falls off...)
I didn't love him anymore. How could I when everything that came out of his mouth and actions was designed to hurt me or put me down.
I had to escape. I did so via a divorce with joint custody of my daughter. Unfortunately I was still close enough for him to control. "Oh take the kid to her dentist appointment at 4pm tomorrow, I cant pick her up." I went and there he was, with new wife and step daughter. He thought I needed to be a part of my daughter's routine teeth cleaning that HE set up with a dentist I didnt know/approve.
No. Never again. I left. My fiance (now hubby) and I fought for custody, lost unfortunately but we tried. I moved 1000 miles away. I know, I left my baby (ok shes 12) to the bastard, but she is much stronger than I am and ignores his bs. I do all I can to be with her, EXCEPT get within 1000 miles of him.
Why did I tell you this long rambly story? Because NO ONE deserves someone to treat them like that. Do not let anyone have the power to hurt you by their own shortsighted-smallminded-prejudices. I dont care if its a spouse, parent or third cousin of your best friends dog's neighbors sister. Do not let them place blame on you when it is clearly on them. Be strong. Be confident. Be calm and cool. But stand up for yourself and your rights.
My only advice to you is to enjoy the time you can with your sister.
Sadness
I just need to get this off my chest.
My sister is flying in tomorrow and staying for a week with my 4 year old nephew. I haven't seen either of them in 2 years (she lives in Virginia, I live in Iowa).
Essentially, she is welcome to stay at my father's house and I am not.
My parents divorced when I was 15. My sister was very angry at him (he cheated) and wouldn't have anything to do with him for years. He tried everything to get her to love him again. She'd ask for money, he'd give it. She'd cuss him out, he'd sit and take it. The whole time, I was hanging on his every word, saying "Yes Daddy," "No Daddy," "whatever you want Daddy." I took his suggestions for courses of study in college, I applied for the jobs he wanted me to apply for. I always thought he and I were very close. I prided myself on never asking him for money and showing him I could do things on my own, because I wanted him to be proud of me.
I, however, am not married and I have not given him any grandchildren. She has given him a grandson.
And she has finally "forgiven" him for their marriage ending. She is now the golden child who can do no wrong, and I'm suddenly persona non grata.
I took next week off for vacation so I could spend time with her and her son. She is staying at my dad's house because I don't have the room (and he would never EVER let her come to Iowa and not stay with him). I assumed (and I guess this is my bad) that I would be welcome to stay at his house with her, so that we could all spend time together.
Today I emailed him to tell him I was bringing groceries up tomorrow when I brought her after picking her up at the airport. I said, "So I can cook some meals while I'm there so I'm not freeloading." He responded: "You're staying up here? If you are, we didn't know that."
Now, he lives an hour away from me. He is apparently thinking that I will drive home every night? I never expressly said that I would be staying at their house, but I am feeling very unwelcome in his house right now because of what he said.
I can't afford $20 every other day to fill up my car from driving back and forth. So at the most I'll be able to spend maybe 2 days out of 7 with my sister, if I can't stay at his house.
There's a family reunion thing at his house on Sunday. He apparently thinks I'm picking my sister up at the airport, driving her to his house, dropping her off (because, you know, I haven't seen her in 2 years, so an hour in the car is PLENTY of time to catch up /sarcasm off), drive home, and then drive back for the party on Sunday. I was not invited to spend the night Saturday night. I assumed I was welcome, but I'm apparently not. Or apparently I need to clear it with him that I'm permitted to stay.
I think he is so excited about her coming that he's totally forgotten that he has another daughter.
I feel very alone and unloved right now :(
Calimaryn
20 years ago
ROzbeans
20 years ago
Right on Cali. Your daughter will understand, I'm sure. No one needs to put up with that shit.
Rikr
20 years ago
Yeah I know. They dont talk to me anymore...My mom is planning to move back to the Phillipines when she retires...she can live damn good over there...anyway..When my brother's wife's parents are gone (they are really her grandparents that adopted her) {NOTE: I do not wish for them to be gone by any means} but when they are gone, and my mom moves back home.....they will have nothing here but me. They are going to miss out on a lot of stuff with my mom, and they will regret it. I only hope that they pull their heads out of their asses long enough to figure this out and quit acting like a bunch of bitches.
Hijinks
20 years ago
Sorry to hear, Rikr and Cali :(
I've long known that my dad is human and makes mistakes, but to not be open to talking to the people he supposedly cares about is his biggest flaw. He is not at the point of being able to listen to why I get upset, and he may never be. Until the past few years, I've never let him know that he made me upset with his nasty words. Now he treats me like some kind of drama queen. But I guess that's better than being a mouse.
I've long known that my dad is human and makes mistakes, but to not be open to talking to the people he supposedly cares about is his biggest flaw. He is not at the point of being able to listen to why I get upset, and he may never be. Until the past few years, I've never let him know that he made me upset with his nasty words. Now he treats me like some kind of drama queen. But I guess that's better than being a mouse.
Rikr
20 years ago
:( Hang in there HJ...Things will eventually get better. But for now...go see your sister. :)
ROzbeans
20 years ago
Veb's sister did the same thing to their mother last summer. Oh my FUCKING GOD. I went off on his sister's husband in a 15 minute blue streak of rage in the middle of the night at his other sister's house during OUR VACATION.
Not only had I not seen my husband in 6 months, not only have I had to babysit this crazy sister and comfort their mom, but this stupid fucker had the nerve to blame Mike's parents for their failed marriage. I suppose it was my mother in laws fault that he moved in with the street tramp.
'I'm not sleeping with her.'
'Ok, well either you're a mother fucking liar or you ARE AS STUPID AS I THOUGHT YOU WERE.'
So yeah it put a cramp on family gatherings. After this tirade of mine, my father in law looked at me and said....
'Roz...i think you have angerment issues.'
Mike's parents are the best. They've never done a horrible thing in their lives, been great to me and have supported this sister and her entire family (all 3 kids) for 20 years. Paid their rent when they couldnt (which was a lot), babysat the kids, paid for the lawyer, remodeled their house (they live in duplex rentals that his family owns). Both sides of his family treat both parents like utter shit and it annoys the living fuck out of me. Takes everything to not rip someone's head off.
I see Veb on the board. I love you, baby. :duck
Not only had I not seen my husband in 6 months, not only have I had to babysit this crazy sister and comfort their mom, but this stupid fucker had the nerve to blame Mike's parents for their failed marriage. I suppose it was my mother in laws fault that he moved in with the street tramp.
'I'm not sleeping with her.'
'Ok, well either you're a mother fucking liar or you ARE AS STUPID AS I THOUGHT YOU WERE.'
So yeah it put a cramp on family gatherings. After this tirade of mine, my father in law looked at me and said....
'Roz...i think you have angerment issues.'
Mike's parents are the best. They've never done a horrible thing in their lives, been great to me and have supported this sister and her entire family (all 3 kids) for 20 years. Paid their rent when they couldnt (which was a lot), babysat the kids, paid for the lawyer, remodeled their house (they live in duplex rentals that his family owns). Both sides of his family treat both parents like utter shit and it annoys the living fuck out of me. Takes everything to not rip someone's head off.
I see Veb on the board. I love you, baby. :duck
Hijinks
20 years ago
Aye my bf's parents are awesome. Married 40+ years, affectionate with each other and their sons. His mother nags him (and me sometimes) about grandbabies but that's understandable (and hey, if it gets him to pop the question that much sooner, I'm all for a little naggin...) Watching his parents and how they interact as a family has made me really look at my dad and how he treats me. That's one reason I'm supersensitive to his words these days.