End of Year Thank You

From an email...yeah yeah...I know....but I'm betting there's at least one of you that hasn't seen this yet.
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End of the Year Thank You

I just wanted to thank you all for taking the time and trouble to send
me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Extra thanks to whoever sent me
the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to
go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope. Also, I have
to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper, since the
people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under
God" on their cans. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because!
it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants, even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a
cologne sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages by, UPS or FedEx
since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my
free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214
angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

I no longer have any money because I gave them to a sick girl who is
about to die in the hospital (for the 258th time) but that will change
once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now
return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7
minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your
head at 6:00 p.m. Minneapolis time this evening. I know this will occur
because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.