Dire Straits in Parenting

A FATHER PASSING BY HIS SON'S BEDROOM WAS ASTONISHED TO SEE THAT THE
BED WAS NICELY MADE AND EVERYTHING WAS PICKED UP. THEN HE SAW AN ENVELOPE
PROPPED UP PROMINENTLY ON THE CENTER OF THE BED. IT WAS ADDRESSED
"DAD."
WITH THE WORST PREMONITION, HE OPENED THE ENVELOPE AND READ THE
LETTER WITH TREMBLING HANDS:

Dear Dad:

IT IS WITH GREAT REGRET AND SORROW THAT I'M WRITING THIS. I HAD TO
ELOPE WITH MY NEW GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE I WANTED TO AVOID A SCENE WITH MOM AND
YOU. I'VE BEEN FINDING REAL PASSION WITH BARBARA AND SHE IS SO NICE
EVEN WITH ALL HER PIERCING, TATTOOS, AND HER TIGHT MOTORCYCLE CLOTHES. BUT
IT'S NOT ONLY THE PASSION DAD, SHE'S PREGNANT AND BARBARA SAID THAT
WE WILL BE VERY HAPPY. EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T CARE FOR HER, AS SHE IS
MUCH OLDER THAN I, SHE ALREADY OWNS A TRAILER IN THE WOODS AND HAS A STACK
OF FIREWOOD FOR THE WHOLE WINTER. SHE WANTS TO HAVE MANY MORE CHILDREN
WITH ME AND THAT'S NOW ONE OF MY DREAMS TOO.

BARBARA TAUGHT ME THAT MARIJUANA DOESN'T REALLY HURT ANYONE AND WE'LL
BE GROWING IT FOR OURSELVES, AND TRADING IT WITH HER FRIENDS FOR ALL THE
COCAINE AND ECSTASY WE WANT. IN THE MEANTIME, WE'LL PRAY THAT SCIENCE
WILL FIND A CURE FOR AIDS SO BARBARA GETS BETTER; SHE SURE DESERVES
IT!!

DON'T WORRY DAD, I'M 15 YEARS OLD NOW AND I KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF
MYSELF. SOMEDAY I'M SURE WE'LL BE BACK TO VISIT, SO YOU CAN GET TO
KNOW YOUR GRANDCHILDREN.

YOUR SON,
JOHN

PS DAD, NONE OF THIS IS TRUE. I'M OVER AT THE NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE. I
JUST WANTED TO REMIND YOU THAT THERE ARE WORSE THINGS IN LIFE THAN MY
REPORT CARD WHICH IS IN MY DESK CENTER DRAWER.

I LOVE YOU!

CALL WHEN IT'S SAFE FOR ME TO COME HOME.