When preparing for that holiday meal...

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. it's rare. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.
This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.


10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Have a great holiday season!

Lillaanya 18 years ago
What...people have to be told to eat like this? I thought it was a given
Maeya 18 years ago
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.


Repeat x 4 in my case. Loves me some potatoes & gravy.
Mylec 18 years ago
Maeya;71320
Repeat x 4 in my case. Loves me some potatoes & gravy.



Yes but procedure is important here.

First, I drop big ol' spoonfuls of mashed potatoes onto my plate. You got to really make them hit the plate with authority, too. Make sure to get a couple of spoonfuls until you have a good pound of potatoes on your plate. Its important that you do not make eye contact with anyone, focus on what you are doing and be oblivious to everyone else.

Next, using your fork as a sculpting tool, carefully work your mashed potatoes into a big volcanic-looking mountain. By this point, everyone at the table is staring at you. Now is your time to shine...

Very quickly and suddenly slam your hand down on the table, and while staring wildly at your creation, scream "WHAT IS IT????"



If you're old enough to remember Close Encounters of the 3rd Kind, then you got that. If not, ignore this post

And in all seriousness, either myself or my brother still do this at Thanksgiving every year. Its beyond funny anymore, but its still done for tradition.
Calimaryn 18 years ago
Close Encounters of the Third Kind is one of my Mom's favorite movies. That potato scene is one of two parts of the movie I remember. I would love to see that done in person. I would be rolling!
Den 18 years ago
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
Ate em, but only after dousing them in ranch dressing!

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. it's rare. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
Dranks it, but mixed it 1 to 1 to 1 with brandy and skim milk!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
Did it.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
Never asked, just ate - YUM!

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
Had snacks at one party, then on to another for dinner!

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.
This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
My excercise consist of walking to and from the car :P

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
Followed, and was hugely successful.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
This is only one of two rules I just couldn't adhere to...no pies served anywhere!

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
The second rule I failed...and I ADORE fruitcake...but no one else does apparently:P


10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:

Eh...Christmas was two days ago and I still feel terrible