Roz's top 6 'what not to do on your first date'

http://afk2pee.com/blog/?p=706

Judy McGuire of ‘The Frisky’ came up with a pretty interesting article on the top 6 things you should not do on a first date. Now, I haven’t been on a first date since 1991, but I’ve played Everquest in the past 5 years so that’s close enough.

[INDENT]1. Introduce unfamiliar grooming regimens into your routine. Never had a Brazilian wax? Today’s not the day to try it. Ditto to shelling out for that new, expensive, zit-zapping, wrinkle-eradicating, sun-damage-reversing miracle cleanser you read about in Allure. Sure, both of these things might work out well, but there’s also the possibility you’ll be left with festering scabs, ingrown hairs, or worse.

[/INDENT] I like how she carefully dodges the fact that you might be a slut and sleep with the guy on your first date. I think that should be #1, don’t be a slut - unless he’s hot, of course. I’m going to have to agree with not doing anything out of the ordinary with your day to day grooming technique. Don’t try that new smokey eyeshadow look because it’s a real fine line between hot and looking like a raccoon.

[INDENT]2. Wear those six-inch heels you bought on eBay, thinking they were Louboutins, but actually turned out to be regulation stripper footwear. Unless you’re actually a stripper (or “Sex and the City’s” Carrie Bradshaw), and know how to walk in sky-high heels, opt for a cute pair of more down-to-earth shoes that won’t trip you up or give you blisters.

[/INDENT] I don’t even know what Louboutins are. I’m not even sure I’d put them on my feet, but don’t kid yourself. You haven’t worn anything higher than a heeled sneaker in the past 10 years, don’t start now. If you’re in your 20’s, don’t give the future corns on your feet a head start by attempting to walk in heels that were meant for Traci Lords back when she was 16 or Coco, Ice T’s wife. I don’t suggest brand new shoes at all, just be comfortable. If you’re going to go against #1 and be a slut with raccoon eyes, your feet aren’t going to matter.

[INDENT]3. Get liquored up first. I know you’re tense, but guzzling three martinis before you meet him is not a good idea. You probably haven’t eaten all day and the combination of stress, hunger and booze is not a good one. Because I’m not completely heartless, you can have up to one glass of wine. But no more. Promise me — no more!

[/INDENT] Save the pina coladas until after you’ve seen him with his brand new eyebrow wax and table manners. However, I think women rely on alcohol since we don’t have that ‘loaded gun’ relief that men have. You know what I’m talking about, everyone’s seen ‘Something about Mary’. Do guys really do that? Do you use your body as an amusement park before taking a girl out? Because if men do, ladies I suggest you skip the fruity drinks and go right to the scotch.

[INDENT]4. Not eat if you’re on a dinner date. Women always think they look dainty picking at a small green salad with just a lemon wedge while their date plows through the surf & turf. Wrong. They just look sad, hungry and possibly eating disordered. Even if you’re spazzing on the inside, skip the bunny food and order a normal human-sized meal.

[/INDENT] Get your fucking grub on. And don’t give me that ‘oh I’ll go dutch’ shit. You take his money and eat him out of house and home. Just stay away from rich, fatty foods and jesus christ, do NOT go to a Mexican restaurant. Keep in mind that you might be waking up next to this guy at 3 in the morning and passing gas as you stumble to the bathroom isn’t as attractive as you think. Especially if you’re indulged on #3 and had a threesome with Jose.

[INDENT]5. Talk too much/clam up completely. Have you ever been seated next to a couple who you could immediately tell were on their first date? Painful, right? Either the conversation is peppered with long, awkward silences, or one of them is nattering on like a crazy person. You can’t help it if he turns out to be one of those types, but you sure can keep yourself in check.

[/INDENT] #5 made me wince. I’m a nervous talker. I am serious. I will talk your fucking ear off and it’ll be about shit that I haven’t even thought about in years. The invention of candy corn, Perry Mason, my mother’s propensity for anything British, or my father’s conversational cursing - I’ll talk about it all and damnit, YOU WILL FIND IT INTERESTING!

[INDENT]6. Play make-believe. When you drop lies designed to impress — like claiming to be a Foucault scholar or are actually Johnny Cash’s second cousin — it’s pretty much a given that you’re going to get busted. Either your date will turn out to be some kind of philosophically minded smarty-pants and want to debate you, or he’ll be Johnny Cash’s third cousin, wondering why you weren’t at the last family reunion.

[/INDENT] If you’ve made it this far without having waxing burns, an AA meeting scheduled, twisting an ankle or throwing up your quiche, I thoroughly suggest lying through your teeth. What are the odds of you going out with this guy again, especially if he sees you with ‘recently fucked’ hair at 4am? Maybe he really doesn’t know who the Queen of Sheba is, you could get lucky. Lie. Especially if he’s really cute.

=D