The real story behind Christmas

I think its proper to remember the reason for the season. 2000 years ago Paul/Saul the greatest apostle figured out the plot by the aliens to unleash the zombie plague on the earth through their puppet/prophet, Jesus. Its a now well known fact that Jesus the Man was a great spiritual leader, but he was destined to be the bringer of the plague. Saul attempted to stop this by convincing the jews and the romans to kill Jesus before his evolution into zombie jesus. Well, we all know what happened next. . . that alien double-agent stabbed Jesus with the spear of destiny, implanting the virus deep in his internals. Unbeknownst to the populace who buried, he was slowly becoming the agent of destruction, Zombie Jesus. The 3 days passed without word, then zombie jesus rose from the dead, pushed his stone aside (with his zombie strength), and ran out to eat brains. Through a chance brush with fate the aliens needed zombie jesus when their home planet was attacked and they needed his help to fend off the attackers.



Paul set to work right away, convincing people to believe in Jesus and to not think, so that when jesus returned to feast on the brains of humanity he wouldn't eat the chosen few who specifically chose to make their brains weak and unappetizing.



And that's why Utah is the only state that has no zombie attacks on record.



Merry Christmas.