Something for a girl (imagine that)

Your blue ring
crooked on your finger
snaring my attention -
deep and faceted
as your eyes.
Alert, questing to understand
so that you may be more kind.

And I walk beside you
following your dreams down these winding roads
of reality.
The way ahead
uncertain as the weather here.
and behind
those tiny windows to your innermost thoughts
lies my peace..

Your comforting embrace
true and forgiving
and compassionate.
Stirring up a whirlwind of emotions
spinning me round and round
merry-go-round.
Resurfacing the excitement of my less cynical years.

Breathing so hard I need to come up for air
But instead of the freedom I expect the houka smoke draws me again down
and up like the bubbles surrounding me.

Coming in the quiet tones and comfort found only
at home.
Foreign languages as distant as the
stars warring above our heads and flashing
skip-ping
pausing.
Like slides on the projector screen of life.

Each moment impossibly real
and undeniably too hard to grasp.
The slides have advanced, the brief moment passed
and I speed away
racing my thoughts
and out-pacing my feverous heart.

Hi.

So I think of a deal. You stole
my discontent and so I should repay you in kind.
To steal a sweet kiss. Innocent, inspiring.

Scars from metal protusions
mine but temporary though lasting
in memories of green college grass and trees and sky.

Yours as enduring as the
smile painted beauty in my memory.

-------

rip it apart!

Nastirith 18 years ago
Overall, I like it! Very freeform, which I've always appreciated more than rigid layouts...

A few things:

1) Why "skip-ping"?

2) The "Hi." It totally breaks up the poem, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. It's almost a shift into a different mood or mode.

3) However, I'm not sure of the stanza:
"Scars from metal protusions
mine but temporary though lasting
in memories of green college grass and trees and sky."

It almost seems like this should be before the "Hi."

4) I really liked the phrase, "Yours as enduring as the smile painted beauty in my memory." Very nice... And I guess that has to follow the previous stanza...perhaps put them together?

5) Is your heart feverous, or fervorous? Feverous is like having a fever, while fervorous would is like Great heat, or intense emotion. Both would work, just wanted to make sure...

6) So of the longer phrases, especially, "But instead of the freedom I expect the houka smoke draws me again down" could be broken into two lines, perhaps after "expect"?

7) I keep feeling like the stanza that begins with "So I think of a deal." after the "Hi." should be the final stanza of the poem.../shrug

8) "The way ahead
uncertain as the weather here.
and behind
those tiny windows to your innermost thoughts
lies my peace.."

Capitalize And, and either add or take out a period at the end after "peace.."

Hrm...I think that's all I see...what do you think?
~Jer
Geeii 18 years ago
Here are some changes I've made..

Also, it is skip-ping so that it is read 'skip *pause* ping' much like skipping the action (like the physical one) is done.

Your blue ring
crooked on your finger
snaring my attention -
deep and faceted
as your eyes.
Alert, questing to understand
so that you may be more kind.

And I walk beside you
following your dreams down these perilous roads
of reality.
The way ahead
uncertain as the weather here.
and behind
those tiny windows to your innermost thoughts
lies my peace..

Your comforting embrace
true and forgiving
and compassionate.
Stirring up a whirlwind of emotions
spinning me round and round
merry-go-round.
Resurfacing the excitement of my less cynical years.

Breathing so hard I need to come up for air
But instead of the freedom I expect the hookah smoke
draws me again down
and up like the bubbles surrounding me.

Coming in the quiet tones and comfort found only
at home.
Foreign languages as distant as the
stars warring above our heads and flashing
skip-ping
pausing.
Like slides on the projector screen, Life.

Each moment impossibly real
and undeniably too hard to grasp.
The slides have advanced, the brief moment passed
And I speed away
racing my thoughts
and out-pacing my fervorous heart.

So I think of a deal. You stole
my discontent and so I should repay you in kind.
To steal a sweet kiss. Innocent, inspiring.

Hi.

Scars from metal protusions
mine but temporary though lasting
in memories of green college grass and trees and
sky.

Yours as enduring as the
smile painted beauty in my memory.