Sadness
I just need to get this off my chest.
My sister is flying in tomorrow and staying for a week with my 4 year old nephew. I haven't seen either of them in 2 years (she lives in Virginia, I live in Iowa).
Essentially, she is welcome to stay at my father's house and I am not.
My parents divorced when I was 15. My sister was very angry at him (he cheated) and wouldn't have anything to do with him for years. He tried everything to get her to love him again. She'd ask for money, he'd give it. She'd cuss him out, he'd sit and take it. The whole time, I was hanging on his every word, saying "Yes Daddy," "No Daddy," "whatever you want Daddy." I took his suggestions for courses of study in college, I applied for the jobs he wanted me to apply for. I always thought he and I were very close. I prided myself on never asking him for money and showing him I could do things on my own, because I wanted him to be proud of me.
I, however, am not married and I have not given him any grandchildren. She has given him a grandson.
And she has finally "forgiven" him for their marriage ending. She is now the golden child who can do no wrong, and I'm suddenly persona non grata.
I took next week off for vacation so I could spend time with her and her son. She is staying at my dad's house because I don't have the room (and he would never EVER let her come to Iowa and not stay with him). I assumed (and I guess this is my bad) that I would be welcome to stay at his house with her, so that we could all spend time together.
Today I emailed him to tell him I was bringing groceries up tomorrow when I brought her after picking her up at the airport. I said, "So I can cook some meals while I'm there so I'm not freeloading." He responded: "You're staying up here? If you are, we didn't know that."
Now, he lives an hour away from me. He is apparently thinking that I will drive home every night? I never expressly said that I would be staying at their house, but I am feeling very unwelcome in his house right now because of what he said.
I can't afford $20 every other day to fill up my car from driving back and forth. So at the most I'll be able to spend maybe 2 days out of 7 with my sister, if I can't stay at his house.
There's a family reunion thing at his house on Sunday. He apparently thinks I'm picking my sister up at the airport, driving her to his house, dropping her off (because, you know, I haven't seen her in 2 years, so an hour in the car is PLENTY of time to catch up /sarcasm off), drive home, and then drive back for the party on Sunday. I was not invited to spend the night Saturday night. I assumed I was welcome, but I'm apparently not. Or apparently I need to clear it with him that I'm permitted to stay.
I think he is so excited about her coming that he's totally forgotten that he has another daughter.
I feel very alone and unloved right now 
ROzbeans
19 years ago
Did he actually tell you that you couldnt stay there? Because if he did, then he can pick up your sister at the airport.
Rikr
19 years ago
Maelarya
.
Did he actually tell you that you couldnt stay there? Because if he did, then he can pick up your sister at the airport..
Hijinks
19 years ago
Well, *after* I said I *had* been planning on staying there overnight, he still said "Come up around 11 on Sunday." So I am therefore expected to drop her off tomorrow and drive home.
I'm still going to pick her up at the airport because I fear it's the only time I'll get to spend with her all week. She did say she'll steal his car to come see me if need be. My wonderful bf offered to drive me up there on Sunday - I was saying I wasn't going to go to the party. If I go, I'll feel like a distant relation or some shit, like him and my stepmom and sister are welcoming people to their home, I'm not part of the family any more. It's hard to explain how I feel right now.
I just don't see what the problem is of letting me stay there. I don't think I'm horrible - I'm not filthy messy, I *was* going to bring my own soda and food, and it wasn't going to be the whole week anyway, just a day or two here and there... the only thing I can surmise is that he just doesn't want me there to interfere with him spending time with my sis.
I'm still going to pick her up at the airport because I fear it's the only time I'll get to spend with her all week. She did say she'll steal his car to come see me if need be. My wonderful bf offered to drive me up there on Sunday - I was saying I wasn't going to go to the party. If I go, I'll feel like a distant relation or some shit, like him and my stepmom and sister are welcoming people to their home, I'm not part of the family any more. It's hard to explain how I feel right now.
I just don't see what the problem is of letting me stay there. I don't think I'm horrible - I'm not filthy messy, I *was* going to bring my own soda and food, and it wasn't going to be the whole week anyway, just a day or two here and there... the only thing I can surmise is that he just doesn't want me there to interfere with him spending time with my sis.
Gilae
19 years ago
Honestly, I wouldn't take 'no' for an answer. I'm very polite where friends are concerned but my parents house is my house and I will happily show up there any day that I choose to do so, inviting whomever I like to come with me, and not only will my parents like it, but they'll thank me for it and make me pie!! If they think they can be involved in every decision in your life from here to eternity and making you stress over all the ones inbetween, and then expect you to pay for their applesauce that they aren't able to feed themselves in their old age, they better recognize! He's your father...not some stranger. Show up on his doorstep, stay as long as you please, and let him have the guts to kick you out. And if he tries, threaten him with a nursing home! What's more, your sister better stand up on your side or face the wrath too. I tell you what, if either of my parents ever said "You're staying up here? If you are, we didn't know that." they better sound damn pleased about it.
Ok that's me sounding hardcore...but honestly.
Ok that's me sounding hardcore...but honestly.
Aramous
19 years ago
III
Dam you people type way too fast. Two post got in before this one got in ;(
Maelarya
Did he actually tell you that you couldnt stay there? Because if he did, then he can pick up your sister at the airport.
III
Dam you people type way too fast. Two post got in before this one got in ;(
ROzbeans
19 years ago
Dont assume what he's thinking, just flat out ask him. You'll just upset yourself more by thinking he doesn't love you as much as your sister. You really need to be more vocal about your feelings with the offending person instead of assuming the worse possible reason.
Just talk to him.
Just talk to him.
Hijinks
19 years ago
If I were in his position (which, I would have actually remembered the person telling me "I'm planning on staying at your house that week," but that's just me...), and it was a surprise that a family member was going to be staying with me, I'd grin and say "Hey, must have forgotten about that, but I'll fix up the couch for ya!" It's just mannerly to say someone's welcome, even if it's a surprise or it'll inconvenience you.
My family is always welcome at my house. Even after I told him I'd been planning on staying, I didn't get an invitation to stay. No "Sure, that's fine," No "Oh ok, stay here if you like," no nothing.
My family is always welcome at my house. Even after I told him I'd been planning on staying, I didn't get an invitation to stay. No "Sure, that's fine," No "Oh ok, stay here if you like," no nothing.
Gilae
19 years ago
What Mae said. I honestly would throw a freakin fit myself. Cause I'm a mean bitch when I'm angry. He's family...if he's not going to be polite about it, why should you? Give it to him I say.
Hijinks
19 years ago
Thank you so much Gilae! That "pie" quote made me smile 
That's the way I feel too!
My father is.... difficult. He has always said very mean things to me my whole life. In my teens, I was his favorite, he tried to mold me in his image. He'd worked for the CIA and the State Dept and I tried to get hired on there, but I failed the foreign service exam (it was 2 weeks after the towers went down, everyone and their brother was gung-ho about ra! ra! America! and were taking the test, so they upped the bar and I failed - I'd been studying for 6 months, but I digress). I had a mental breakdown of sorts after I failed the test - and he stopped trying to mold me. Which was probably good, but it also meant that I had failed him (in his eyes).
My job is never good enough. I never make enough money (I support myself fully and that is ALL I care about - who needs fancy shit? Not me!)
I'm way too fat - I have ALWAYS been too fat. When I was a teenager, he would say "You shouldn't wear that, makes you look bigger," or the old standby, "You have such a pretty face, too bad you're so fat!" Oprah did a show once that was about overweight teens talking to their parents about hurtful comments and trying to get their parents to help them lose weight - I taped it but he wouldn't sit and watch it with me. Fat women are worthless, in his eyes. He has made my stepmother a basket case worrying about her weight. I will never be good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, or successful enough for this man.
I've already decided that when (if) I get married and have babies, their time with Grandpa will be limited, because my children WILL NOT (GODDAMMIT) suffer from the same low self-esteem that I had growing up.
But yet I still, to this day, have bent over backwards trying to please him. And when Nathan (my nephew) was born, suddenly my sister was the golden child, the perfect daughter, the one, the only, and the sun shines out of Nathan's ass. I think he has decided I'm never going to find a man to love my fat ugly ass (in his eyes, anyway - I think I'm a gorgeous gal with some extra flesh but who loves herself anyway), and thus I will never give him grandchildren.
Anyway. All he cares about is that she's coming to visit HIM. HE is going to spend time with her, not me. I will not, apparently, be interfering.
My poor sis feels caught in the middle. She says she will do whatever it takes to spend time with both of us, and if it has to be seperately (although I just can't understand why it has to be seperately), than it will be.
I appreciate everyone's responses It's good to feel like I have a place to vent about these things.
That's the way I feel too!My father is.... difficult. He has always said very mean things to me my whole life. In my teens, I was his favorite, he tried to mold me in his image. He'd worked for the CIA and the State Dept and I tried to get hired on there, but I failed the foreign service exam (it was 2 weeks after the towers went down, everyone and their brother was gung-ho about ra! ra! America! and were taking the test, so they upped the bar and I failed - I'd been studying for 6 months, but I digress). I had a mental breakdown of sorts after I failed the test - and he stopped trying to mold me. Which was probably good, but it also meant that I had failed him (in his eyes).
My job is never good enough. I never make enough money (I support myself fully and that is ALL I care about - who needs fancy shit? Not me!)
I'm way too fat - I have ALWAYS been too fat. When I was a teenager, he would say "You shouldn't wear that, makes you look bigger," or the old standby, "You have such a pretty face, too bad you're so fat!" Oprah did a show once that was about overweight teens talking to their parents about hurtful comments and trying to get their parents to help them lose weight - I taped it but he wouldn't sit and watch it with me. Fat women are worthless, in his eyes. He has made my stepmother a basket case worrying about her weight. I will never be good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, or successful enough for this man.
I've already decided that when (if) I get married and have babies, their time with Grandpa will be limited, because my children WILL NOT (GODDAMMIT) suffer from the same low self-esteem that I had growing up.
But yet I still, to this day, have bent over backwards trying to please him. And when Nathan (my nephew) was born, suddenly my sister was the golden child, the perfect daughter, the one, the only, and the sun shines out of Nathan's ass. I think he has decided I'm never going to find a man to love my fat ugly ass (in his eyes, anyway - I think I'm a gorgeous gal with some extra flesh but who loves herself anyway), and thus I will never give him grandchildren.
Anyway. All he cares about is that she's coming to visit HIM. HE is going to spend time with her, not me. I will not, apparently, be interfering.
My poor sis feels caught in the middle. She says she will do whatever it takes to spend time with both of us, and if it has to be seperately (although I just can't understand why it has to be seperately), than it will be.
I appreciate everyone's responses
It's good to feel like I have a place to vent about these things.
Hijinks
19 years ago
FYI, apparently my sister told my stepmom that I was upset by what my dad said, and my stepmother emailed me this:
"#1 - neither one of us recalled that you were taking time off. #2 - You are welcome to stay - no one has indicated that you are not welcome, #3 - we just asked a simple question, please do not try to ruin our joy in having all of you here. "
So now I'm "ruining their joy" by being upset at his rudeness. Yeah. I'm just a big drama queen =\ Screw it. My sister can come see me and the rest of the time I'll play video games.
"#1 - neither one of us recalled that you were taking time off. #2 - You are welcome to stay - no one has indicated that you are not welcome, #3 - we just asked a simple question, please do not try to ruin our joy in having all of you here. "
So now I'm "ruining their joy" by being upset at his rudeness. Yeah. I'm just a big drama queen =\ Screw it. My sister can come see me and the rest of the time I'll play video games.
Merreck
19 years ago
I would go...might be a good time to reconcile your differences and have a good time with your family.
I would stop this also hehe. It's perfectly ok to want your parents to be proud of you, but if what you're doing to try and please your father isn't making either of you happy, then it might be time to do your own thing.
Just my two cents. Sorry if this sounds rude or out of turn, I don't mean it to be.
But yet I still, to this day, have bent over backwards trying to please him
I would stop this also hehe. It's perfectly ok to want your parents to be proud of you, but if what you're doing to try and please your father isn't making either of you happy, then it might be time to do your own thing.
Just my two cents. Sorry if this sounds rude or out of turn, I don't mean it to be.
Hijinks
19 years ago
No, you're fine. I have pulled back from him a bit and have stopped visiting them as much, because I got so tired of the constant criticism. This is another reason why he has started focusing more on my sis and how great she is. Which is what hurts the most. It's sort of like a vicious cycle.
But to those who said to tell him that what he says hurts me; that's the type of response that I get when someone does bring it to their attention that he was rude to me. They call me a malicious person who's trying to ruin everyone's fun. He just gets angry; and now my stepmother is angry at me also. Just because I dared to get upset at something he said.
*shakes her head sadly*
But to those who said to tell him that what he says hurts me; that's the type of response that I get when someone does bring it to their attention that he was rude to me. They call me a malicious person who's trying to ruin everyone's fun. He just gets angry; and now my stepmother is angry at me also. Just because I dared to get upset at something he said.
*shakes her head sadly*
ROzbeans
19 years ago
Hijinks, you have a habit of taking things way too personally and are quick to feel offended. Go. Have a nice time. Dont read into what everyone days or says. It seems like a lot of what you worry about are things that haven't been directly said to you, they are things that you assume. He seemed clear in his explanation but you honed in right on the 'dont ruin their joy'. Stop sweating the small stuff.
Go, visit with your sister. Have a nice time and dont jump to conclusions about what everyone is saying to you or around you. It's not always as damning as you think.
Go, visit with your sister. Have a nice time and dont jump to conclusions about what everyone is saying to you or around you. It's not always as damning as you think.
Hijinks
19 years ago
Well if this were an isolated incident, I'd be tempted to agree with ya Mae. It's just more of the same from him, though. He says something mean, I get upset, and then everyone jumps on me for getting upset and they all get angry at me for being sensitive (not you, I mean my stepmom) - I *am* sensitive, there's nothing I can do about it, but no one ever takes it into account, they just expect me to change something that I can't change.
I can't not be sensitive. But I think the things he said earlier today were intended to be rude to me. I don't think he was just "asking a simple question." The way he phrased it was definitely not just asking a question. He *does* only want my sister there, he wants to be the only one spending time with her, and this is not the first time he's given me that impression.
*shrug*
I can't not be sensitive. But I think the things he said earlier today were intended to be rude to me. I don't think he was just "asking a simple question." The way he phrased it was definitely not just asking a question. He *does* only want my sister there, he wants to be the only one spending time with her, and this is not the first time he's given me that impression.
*shrug*
ROzbeans
19 years ago
Then you really need to open up and sit down with your father and tell him these things. Impressions aren't the same thing as fact. If it comes out of his mouth, that's one thing. Tell him you feel slighted, tell him how you feel.
Hijinks
19 years ago
Yeah, I've tried. When he says "You don't need to be drinking a real Pepsi (as opposed to a Diet Pepsi, i.e. a sugary soda) because you're too fat," I've tried saying "Daddy, my feelings are hurt by you saying that. You know I broke my back and exercising is hard...." to which he interrupts and says "Oh baloney!" Because, you know, all those doctors were making it up :P
Trust me, I'd love to drag him to a counselor to hash it all out. But there's no one-on-one with him.
Trust me, I'd love to drag him to a counselor to hash it all out. But there's no one-on-one with him.
Ciphertazi
19 years ago
No real advice just wanted to:
Don't know if you remember me from NS or not but we exchanged sigs once anyhow warm fuzzies coming your way!
Don't know if you remember me from NS or not but we exchanged sigs once
anyhow warm fuzzies coming your way!
Rikr
19 years ago
Well this is about you seeing your sister. Even if he feels that way, at least spend one full day with her. Let her know the situation (I'm sure she already knows) and let her know you would love for her to spend one of her days at your house. Don't let your fathers ignorant, pardon me for saying, impressions bring you down. You are your own person. I agree with going and not sweating things. Have fun with your sister, as that is who you are there to see, really, anyway.
Rikr
19 years ago
I would like to add that I have something similar going on in my family. My brother has completely turned his back on me and my mom. Neither of us are invited to his, or his kids birthdays, any holidays, etc. My sister in law is behind all of this bullshit, I know this for a fact. She is attached to her moms hip still that they live just a couple blocks away from her, and they always talk shit about my mom....I'm not sure why, one of the ladies that works with my sis in law goes to the same church as my mom, and she lets her know.
At first it irritated me that they dont call, dont invite, dont show up for anything me and my GF invite them too. Now, I could give a rat's ass. The only thing that bothers me is that my mom still has a hard time dealing with it, even though she puts up a facade of it not bugging her anymore.
When my mom calls my brother on his birthday and asks if she can bring him a present, he replies with, "Yeah come on over...everyone else is here." He apparently didn't tell my sis in law that she was comming...when my mom and step dad showed up everyone looked like deer caught in the headlights, and were like oh shit, THEY showed up.
How can my brother not invite his own mother to the his, or his kids birthdays? WTF is up with that. Don't invite me...I could care less. I live over an hour away, and I commute to work, so driving three hours on a Sunday afternoon is not my idea of a good time. I'm just an ass sometimes...I accept that. But they NEVER once came to see me even after being invited several times...yet they got pissed when I didn't drive out there.
Anyway, I could go on and on, but I wont bore you all anymore. Even though it's family HJ, sometimes you gotta shrug your shoulders. One day they (he) will come around and realize (their) his faults, and things will change for the better for all of you. Hang in there, keep your chin up, and press forward with YOUR life.
At first it irritated me that they dont call, dont invite, dont show up for anything me and my GF invite them too. Now, I could give a rat's ass. The only thing that bothers me is that my mom still has a hard time dealing with it, even though she puts up a facade of it not bugging her anymore.
When my mom calls my brother on his birthday and asks if she can bring him a present, he replies with, "Yeah come on over...everyone else is here." He apparently didn't tell my sis in law that she was comming...when my mom and step dad showed up everyone looked like deer caught in the headlights, and were like oh shit, THEY showed up.
How can my brother not invite his own mother to the his, or his kids birthdays? WTF is up with that. Don't invite me...I could care less. I live over an hour away, and I commute to work, so driving three hours on a Sunday afternoon is not my idea of a good time. I'm just an ass sometimes...I accept that. But they NEVER once came to see me even after being invited several times...yet they got pissed when I didn't drive out there.
Anyway, I could go on and on, but I wont bore you all anymore. Even though it's family HJ, sometimes you gotta shrug your shoulders. One day they (he) will come around and realize (their) his faults, and things will change for the better for all of you. Hang in there, keep your chin up, and press forward with YOUR life.
ROzbeans
19 years ago
Seriously, Don. I'd put my brother thru the motherfucking wall if he treated our mother that way. Thru the fucking wall.