What to tell your kids?

/sticks Disney's 'Lion King' up in the air

I hate these movies but the whole circle of life thing is the best description of life and death that I can think of. At least what a 5 year old would understand. Recently catherine ( 5 as well ) asked me how she came out of me when she was a baby.



I feel for you, but I think you explained it perfectly to your kiddo. When he's older he'll get it. Its like watching bug bunny cartoons when you're 15 as compared to when you were 5. Its like a jack hammer to the forehead. Shrek's got nothing on bugs for adult innuendo.

Its definatly a hard thing to do, no matter what you believe. Our family practices the Christian belief, and in september of last year Drade's mom passed away of Pancreatic cancer. We lived with her and my father in law, so my children were very very very very close to her. My little girl has just now finally accepted shes in heaven, but because shes only 3 she cant grasp the permanance part. She keeps asking if shes coming back, and my son (4) is determined that hes gonna grow wings to go and visit her. Its very sad. One thing that has helped my family a lot is to create a situation that they can do themselves that will help them accept things. im assuming no one has passed away yet, but you can still get creative depending on your beliefs.

SUch as:

When their gramma passed on, I explained to them that she wasnt sick anymore. She had gone to live with Jesus. they knew who Jesus was, but didnt know that they couldnt go visit him. So we got balloons for every holiday (recently, on her birthday, JAn 29th, her "1st birthday with Jesus" we called it.) We put our names on each card with an address, added a message, and let them go. When asked why we chose balloons, i told the kids this way we could send the message to the stars where Gramma was and she could read them. The kids now understand that when you die you go "to the stars" and they often go out on the deck and talk to her. IT put things into perspective for them, and they understand it. One thing i can definatly say from experience -- if hes asking now, talk to him now, and create a situation for you both to do. Dont wait until someone passes, it makes it harder on him (depending on how close they are) because not only is he now hurting for them, but hes confused as to what happened to them too. Then after he knows a little about it, and something does happen, hes more prepared.

I hope that helps some.
And now, away with the sad topics! incomming MONKEY!!

Great idea! =)



I'm at a loss for words on that. I teared up when I read that, it is one of the most beautiful ways I've ever heard of to remember someone.

Im glad you think its pretty, she was a wonderful woman, so i wanted a fitting way to remember her. and it works, cause the kids constantly want to send her balloons. IF they ever want to tell her somthing, i buy those lil small cards ( I forget what they are called, oh wait, I remember, itty bitty greetings) and balloons and we send it to her. The kids still feel like shes involved with their lives that way. Oh and we add the address to mine cause I always write something like "If you find this, and you havea mom or gramma call her today, and better yet, go give her a hug. Ours is gone .." and i put the date. If someone finds it then, they can respond or mail us. Its a great way to touch other people, and I pray that someone else gets a blessing out of it as well.

Given the choices, The Lion King is a great idea. I was going to suggest Shindler's List or K-19 but I think Mae's on the right track.

Honestly with all kids you have to remember these are overly intelligent little things, that will figure out if your lying to them. Just tell them the truth, and it will be kosher. The fact is death is part of life, and vice versa. Odds are the kid won't understand your explanation until he see's the dog die. Its sad, but its a learning experience they will have to experience.

Prosecution

great, i just realized my dod is due this year according to average lifetime expectations =/

So, in non Drizzi talk, would that be dad or dog?

Yanno, I remember having my parents tell me very early on (as early as 2 or 3) all about death. I think it was a preemptive strike because I could read that early and they were worried about what I might read "in passing". I can't imagine the confusion of children when they see some of the commercials on television for movies and things. When you stop to think about it in those terms it's no wonder there's so many screwy kids.

Anyway, my parents quoted scripture to me as I recall. They told me the story of Adam and Eve and how Adam was formed from the dust of the earth. Then they read the scripture that describes what life would be like for them after they disobeyed God...the business of women having labor pains and having to live off working hard off the land...and that they would eventually die..."from dust you are, to dust you will return". They always taught me that when a person dies their physical body returns to the earth. I haven't ever been scared of death...but I also never had anyone in my family die until I was 15...

Prosecution is right though...water it down as best as you can, but don't lie to them about it. Parents who tell their kids stuff like "oh grandma's on vacation" are only prolonging the inevitable. I think you did a wonderful job Immy. Particularly in explaining to them that there are different view points on what happens to the soul after death...but the fact remains the same, we all die. Five isn't too young to understand the concepts even if some of the words are big. You did the right thing imo.

dog

try explaining racism to a wide eye interracial kid of the tender age of 5...

when you aren't interracial yourself.

painful stuff.

Immy, I think you did great. I think it's important to teach children that death is not something to be feared, just a part of our life cycle and that it's the stuff in between being born and dying that is really what matters. I can remember being obsessed with the idea of death at around that age. I got over it when my great-uncle died after a long illness and I realized that sometimes, death can be a relief. I also remember being very upset with my parents for not allowing me to attend the funeral. They felt I was too young for such a solemn occasion (I was 7) but I wanted to say my good-byes to my favorite uncle. Kids are understand more than we think.

That's another tough one, Ssoulz. I remember the first time I encountered racism and how shocking it was to me. What did you tell him?

My own daughter, (5 at the time, 6 now) saw a commercial about how smoking kills, well she knows that her Grampy and her Nini (that's her Aunt Andi) smoke and was very afraid they would die and so we had to have that same talk about what happens when people die.


I think you did great Immy and said what you should have. Just be sure he know you aren't going to die anytime soon. That is the most important thing when talking to our kids about death.

One other thing I told Beth is that no matter what happens that person will always be in our hearts and all we have to do is remember them and they will always be with us. That helped her know that just because someone isn't around doesn't mean they are gone.


*huggles for Immy*

I've had these discussions a few times already & they just about always end up different - and its never an easy thing. A child's perception of death is based on their limited experiences & more importantly, on what their parents attitudes and reactions are to death. What usually happens is a lot of the info is foreign to the child, so they dont know how to process it.

Sometimes the best thing we can do is communicate fully with the child & include them in the process... They will not understand a lot of what is going on, but by isolating them, you may cause the child to be fearfull or resentful of death.

Im impressed by your decision to not only pass along your own belief of death to your boys, but also included other beliefs in your "death talk". We are "filters" for a children & they are always watching us... I believe you already know that Words and Actions are very powerful forces on a child... As long as the child believes your honest with them, they will be fine.

Thats my opinion & 2cents. When my son (4yrs old) ask the "death" question - I believe I will do the sme as you Immy.

i told him they are just jealous cause he got good hair.

that was the most innocent thing i could think of at the time.

we had a more serious discussion when he got into his early teens.

Yanno, I've heard you talk about this before Ssoulz...and I'm just not getting it. When I was little I remember little old ladies pointing and whispering about me and saying "isn't it terrible" and my mother telling me that some people were just stupid. So when I got to be 5 and I was in school and kids called me a "packie" because they didn't know what I was (not that it would've made any difference if they did know what I was) I remember ignoring them...because they were just stupid. That continues to be my way of dealing with it. Unless you're hampering me from doing something I want to do, then you're not worth much more of an effort then a sideways eyebrowing. I don't deal with stupid people...regardless of the variety of stupidity. I always understood racism...they teach you the concept of "different skin types" and how we should all get along on Sesame Street. I guess I don't understand what might've happened to your little brother to make him so upset...and I wonder if you weren't upset on his behalf more then it actually bothering him. I'm not trying to be argumentative, I actually am curious on the subject. When I was a teenager they had some special on Oprah about racially mixed children and how they have to "adjust" to fit into society and how they suffer from depression and do poorly in school and all this jazz...I think they were mixing up regular teenage behaviour with racial issues. I never had any of these problems and I don't know any mixed kids who had any of these problems...and you'd be surprised how many mixed kids I know. The majority of them were very popular, very intelligent and had a variety of talents. None of them seemed to have any identity crisis issues. I also find it interesting that the recent census that the US Government issued was in large part to discover what population of the US is bi racial and to adjust forms etc from just reading "Other" (I always check both black and white just to mess with them)

But you're right about one thing...people do get jealous of the hair

Sorry to derail!! Maybe I should split this off into a seperate topic!

I think its a good title that covers everything. So I'll derail some more!

When I was about 11 my father sat down and told me exactly what we were. This, that and the other. Well I added...'and white, too, right?' My brother had walked over by then and both were like, 'Roz...are you joking?'

I swear to god, I thought being American meant you were white. Sad to say but at that point I realized I was different and the world as I knew it changed. Fast forward to when I was 16 and moved from hawaii (majority) to washington state (minority). I had never seen so many white people in my life. I great up in San Diego (filipinos, it was the 70's and a navy town) and then hawaii. I never knew what it was like to be different. They sure as shit let me know.

So I spent the better part of high school bitter. =D I never had an adult whisper around me, not that i noticed but people treated my parents differently, that's for sure. Filipino's dont dig when you marry outside the race, but god forbid you marry a black dude. My mother was alienated very early on. Paul blended in, he's smooth like that. I grew up not knowing much about my father's ancestory. Paul says I'm rather white. =x Hell, I eve married me one.

Catherine looks like a little whie girl. Just with an awesome olive tone tan. She'll have awesome hair and she's gorgeous. The cute gene is from me, god damnit. I dont know if she see's a big difference between Veb's parents and mine, but she'll grow up knowing about it all.

I understand your confusion on the situation gilae. I don't understand why people get bothered about somethings either until I think about some of the things that bother me that don't bother other people.

Everyone is different. Everyone has sensitivities that others don't.

Myself and my brother grew up around almost all black people until it was time to leave the surrounding neighborhoods and go to school. The projects we grew up in were towards the edge of the better part of town. The school he went to for kindergarden was about 70% white and those white people lived in pretty much all white neighborhoods. You would think at the age of 5 kids don't know much about racism but you would be surprised at what my brother came home in tears saying kids called him.

I was in like 8th grade so I never saw anyone saying anything to him. But I did have some of those older brothers of the kids he went to school with call me names because of the way I dressed and the music I listened to. This area of PA has been riddled with race riots since the 60s and there was even a race riot in the past 10 years.

It's just not a good situation when you try to combine city folk and country ass inbreds who just moved to the area.

oh yeah and i grew up 15 minutes from the mason dixon line. i live in south PA, about 40 mins north of Baltimore.

in baltimore and DC, whites and blacks simply do not mix. i mean in the past few years it has become a trend but in the 70s and 80s it was almost unheard of.

I visited my brother in west virginia with my mother back in 97 when he got married. My mother took us out shopping and had bought my brother a ton of stuff so we were walking thru a store with tons of bags. Now, I worked at a dept store and knew store security when I saw it. Plus the little walkie talkie was a give away. Paul nonchalantly looked back when I said, 'they're following us' and replied, 'yeah that always happens.'

I literally stopped. Then our mother came up to me all scared and said, 'they followed me to the bathroom'. WTF. I started to walk back and my mother stopped me. I had never seen that open kind of racism in my life. Oh to top it off, the store clerk ignored me at her cash wrap as I was standing there politely waiting to ask her a question. She turned around and helped a little old white women instead. I put the clothes down and walked off.

I suppose its from growing up west coast, not that racism doesn't favor any part of the US. Just surprised the shit out of me.

I suppose it could very well be where my parents chose to live. My mother's background is southern (Kentucky and Tennessee) and I grew up knowing that it wouldn't be safe for me to visit my great grandmother...though my great grandmother I'm told had my picture up on her wall and made sure to comment on it when other people came over. I never met her but you have to respect that! You're right Ssoulz, some people are affected differently then others...I had to break up a fight at a bar recently between a guy I work with and a couple of girls who were making anti semetic jokes. I told him they were just being ignorant, to ignore them and turn the other cheek. He said "you don't understand Ruth, I have to deal with this all the time!"...then someone pointed out to him that I'm not all white and he blushed and calmed down.

When I was about 16 I worked at a daycare for a gym where these women would drop off their kids for hours so they could work out and socialize. These women loved me to death because their children did...but I guess I had my "place" because one day one of mothers said "hey Ruth wanna hear the song my son has been singing around the house?" and the kid starts chanting "packie packie packie". I blinked. The child was 3 years old. To this day I wish I would've reacted faster, and more strongly. It just shocked me beyond all comprehension that a woman would allow her child to even know a word like that let alone sing it and then have him repeat it. There's no way the kid knew what he was saying other then it amused his mother. Oh she acted like it was shameful but she had an amused look on her face.

It's not that I don't see it or experience it...I do of course, even more so here in Chicago then I did in Toronto...and I have my breaking point. But name calling or casual commentary just has never bothered me. Now that business in the mall that Mae talked about, that would piss me off...again because it's preventing me from doing what I want to do. And certainly the idea that these ideas are being purposely taught to children pisses me off too. For the sake of fairness, and tying in with Ssoulz comment that everyone has something that bothers them...the thing that generally sets me off is if someone labels me as black. I'd be mad if someone labeled me as white too...but no one ever does. It started when an exboyfriend said I was black because I had black blood in me. Something about it sounded like reverse racism. It reminded me of people saying the blood is polluted...only with a positive spin. From what I understand Tiger Woods has been on a similar campaign (which is why we all know about his variety of racial backgrounds even though it is in no way relative to what he does for a living...Chris Rock made a joke that he gets less and less black every time he wins a game) and there's a whole movement of people who take issue with this. I always thought maybe I was being absurd about feeling that way.