Say Anything.

Sorry if I killed the tone, it wasn't meant to be a woe is me kind of thing lol. I was just glad to see that kids out there do have someone to turn to. I wish I could explain without it sounding like I want pity or something, but I'm not good at saying what I mean in words.

But to answer your question about reconciling, it would be both a yes and a no. I have spoken with my Mum well into the wee hours of the morning about stuff that bothered me back then. She told me that when I was young, she resented me because I was a constant reminder of the fact that she couldnt go to college etc, couldnt pursue the career she had wanted. As it was she left me with her mother most of the time while she went off gallavanting. She was only 17 when I was born, barely out of childhood herself. But she could have kept her legs shut of course, which I told her, and she laughed.

I think, if she had stayed with my real dad, or maybe even just have stayed in Scotland where she had people who loved and knew her, life might have been much easier. But instead she married some cold hearted man who showed no emotion. I mean that guy never even raised his voice in anger. He moved us away from Scotland and she became almost as emotionless as he was.
He was more affectionate with my bro and sis, cos they were his, but even then he was still reserved. Lol, it used to make me laugh inside when we would visit his parents and they'd expect kisses and cuddles from us before bed and I'd just be like why? We don't get it at home. We'd hug gran and grandad, then start to go upstairs to bed, and gran would be like what about your mum and dad? Tony and Kelly were young enough to just take whatever was thrown at them still, but I just looked at my parents and thought why? They always pushed me away when I wanted hugs before, I'd long since given up trying. But being the good little girl I was trained to be, I complied.

When I brought all this up to my Mum a couple of years ago, she did say sorry, but had not realised at the time how cold she had become. Alec did that to her, I think he drained us both. When they finally divorced my Mum changed. I didn't know she could be like that, almost like a normal person. The first time she cried her heart out in my arms I was astounded. I NEVER saw her cry before. Now when I go visit her, she hugs me upon arrival and it still catches me by surprise.

As for Alec, as soon as he knew that I knew he wasn't my real Dad, he stopped talking to me. He told my brother and sister that I'm not their sister (even though we all have the same Mum?! duh!) and his Mother will have nothing to do with me and tries to poison Tony and Kelly's mind against me. They are both old enough now to know better, but it still hurts that the only family I knew now does not even acknowledge my existance. I tried asking how them how they could lie to me for 10+ years, then turn their back on me? How can anyone just turn off their feelings? I gave up after a year or two of rebukes. I haven't spoken to Alec in about 8 years now, and the last time I saw him, he would not even look up from his laptop to look at me, let alone greet me.

But he still haunts my dreams. When I dream of family, its him in the Dad role, despite knowing my real dad now. But I am always begging him to speak to me again, and I wake up feeling sad but also angry that I would beg to him. How can I still long for acceptance from the man who branded me a theif as a child for taking food out our own cupboards? Not only branded me that, but made me tell my friends when they came to the door, that I wasnt allowed out cos I am a theif? Even though he never let us out anyway. The only time he let me out was to piss my mum off.

But anyway...

I'd have to agree Tam, it'll take years to heal. I have never sought 'profressional' help though perhaps I should have before. But I believe solving my own problems will make me stronger in the end. The family I live with now are helping me with some of it. They still find it odd that I'll rarely take anything from the cupboards, I'll normally eat out. But even to this day, despite the fact that I pay for my share of the groceries, I still get that flush of guilt for taking food. With a homelife like that, it's no wonder I had trouble at school too. I was just too 'odd' to the other kids.

Guy brought up a point a few weeks ago that made me stop and think. He is always hugging people, especially my friend Mikaela. I asked him why he never hugs me, and he replied simply 'because you never show me any affection'. I was crushed...I felt for a moment I had become Alec afterall. Did I really come across so cold and uncaring? So I made a promise to myself that I would hug him at least once a week, if not more often. I'll just randomly hug him at work. The first time it took him til the next day to realise lol. He suddenly stopped what he was doing and looked at me, said You hugged me yesterday?! Uhm...yeah, I did. He just grins and carries on. Another time Mikaela caught be crying and was astounded. She always thought I was so strong and unmovable, but Guy can make me cry because I love him. Most people can't, but he can. I hate disappointing him.

So slowly and steadily I am working on it, working to become more...human I guess. But it's going to take a while longer to break the childhood conditioning. My real dad never understood cos he always had a big happy secure family, and it eventually drove a wedge between us too. I decided to leave the country, get away from everyone and everything that reminded me of the past, and just take the time to be myself and heal.

But despite the pain, I don't really regret it anymore. I will be stronger in the end.



Aaand this became a huge ass long post too and I only touched the tip of the iceberg. Maybe I should just write a book.... LOL

Books are good :) Let Roz proof-read it cos she has skillzors.

I don't think it came over as a pity party either :) Conversation should be insightful and personal otherwise it is just pleasantries at the water tower, you know?

I know it can be hard to make the time to post anything longer than a smiley and a "right on" or whatever. But I think that if you do have time to think and express your thoughts then it's almost as valuable to yourself as it is in sharing with others. At least that is what I feel about writing about me or things I have done. It is easy to assume that noone wants to hear your own personal drama or story or whatever, but if you take the time to write it... there is usually someone who it strikes a chord with. They may have dealt with the same kinds of issues or have a thought you hadn't expressed yet that may be just the tonic to a weary mind :)

If people took the time to say what they felt and mean what they say we might all understand each other alot better.

Right on! :ham1:ham1:ham1

Sorry, I couldn't fucking help myself.

But seriously, Tam, your last few posts in this thread have really resonated with me. I thought of posting in response to your initial 'say anything' with my own personal experience, but didn't because I didn't think it would be relevant enough. Too easily dismissed, because I have an autistic tweenage girl and therefore my experiences are not really universal. But now I really regret not saying something sooner - I really -do- understand the frustration and embarrassment of knowing that my kid lashed out first, my kid threw the first punch (well, shove, in her case. She -is- a girly-girl). And the painful knowledge that my kid was in a social situation she couldn't understand. And the anger of knowing those little shits were baiting the autistic kid to make her yell/hit/get in trouble. It's hard for me to talk about, but I think Tam is right about sharing. I'm proud to be part of a community where we can discuss these things, and I'm proud that we do. There are some places that I feel are too hostile for this kind of discussion, but I don't think TAC is or should be one of those places.

Blame it on the lawyers!!!

There's no reason a child should have to be equipped to deal with emotional abuse from their peers (or anyone else), any more than a child should have to be equipped to defend themselves from physical attack. Like I said before, sometimes the only solution is to knock a mofo out. You can't do that today, because some asshole kid's asshole parents will sue your pants off... but it's okay for their child to assault your child verbally, emotionally, psychologically... as long as it's not physical?

Face it, the ultimate power people can attain over other people is that of physical harm, be it the threat or the reality of, by whatever means, from bombs to trade sanctions. But on a personal level, at least in the US, that power was taken from those of us who wish to remain un-incarcerated by our law, and those who practice (read: wield, as in weapons) it. That opens the door for all manner of non-physical warriors to excercise their might with impunity. It's even worse in the adult world.

I'm not saying that making assault and battery a crime was the wrong decision, or that we should be more lenient, and I don't know how you could possibly make laws against baiting someone and driving them to attack you so you can crush them in court. Punching somebody in the face is pretty straightforward. Psychological assault, on the other hand, can be so subtle, and so subjective, that it becomes impossible to identify with any degree of certainty.

Actually, I don't know exactly what I'm trying to say. I feel like everything I've just typed is simply common sense, and I've essentially just written three paragraphs explaining that the sky is blue and water is wet. I just think there is a serious imbalance in the justice system when people can torment each other so ruthlessly as to damage them psychologically, permanently, or even drive them to suicide - on purpose! - and be held unaccountable. Yet if you are unequipped to deal with this sort of attack emotionally, and decide instead to defend yourself physically, YOU end up in jail. What the fuck is that? They tried to harm you!

Maybe I should say "blame the parents", but I don't think they can be held solely responsible either.

Yet another reason why I don't want kids.

my hubby is always trying to get tristan to be "tougher" He doesnt get why tristan doesnt have that instinct in him. I have to remind him he didnt have an abusive jack ass for a step father and so doesnt need to be like he was.

ROFL @ Verileah :) In all honesty sometimes just knowing that someone else acknowledged you wrote something can be enough. I just tend to be a wordy type who waffles on so I find it harder to post small affirmations or whatever.

I love that TAC is more than just a place to post art and ask shader questions. I believe alot of credit is due to Roz and her personality; which I think is demonstrated in the SMMO thread. TAC is adult, but young at heart; it is arty but it talks about the people who made the art and how; it is tolerant of its member's diversity but not afraid to let you poke fun at random shit in life. It really is like a group of friends who have grown together over time. I would like to think that we could meet for coffee and the coversation would be as random and stimulating as it can be here online.

@ Lessa : I think it is a hunter instinct that men have, to get their sons to be manly enough to join the hunt. I don't think it is healthy to discourage them, it is as a part of being human as it is for women to nest during pregnancy. What I think about modern fathers is that they are abit "fish out of water" in that we don't have to defend ourselves from the next tribe or hunt the wild boar anymore but those responses are still deep in there. They know it is important for their son to be able to fight beside them to ensure survival but when the modern fight is more along the lines of work stress and how will I earn enough money to provide for my family, it gets alot more blurry.

I read a book that helped me sort out some of my feelings about raising boys. It is called "He'll be Ok" by Celia Lashlie and I found it really comforted my mind on approaching puberty and teenage years with my son. Yes he is only 10 but I think it is important to be prepared for the challenges I know are coming. Our husbands and partners aren't as dumb as we tend to think they are with kids, it is worth trusting them and their instincts too, especially as the boys get older.

If you are all sick of the sound of my keyboard please feel free to tell me to STFU :)

As far as children go: I grew up in a male dominated home. My father was very much the leader in our home and impressed upon me the whole Alpha Male thing. Men were providers and should take full responsibility with women being supportive...but that's not the way he raised me. To my father it made no difference that I had boobs - I would grow up with that same mentality and never rely on any man to 'take care of me'. Not that there's anything wrong with that or am I belittling Mike's role in our home. However, I do look at other relationships that are backwards and can't help but get pissed when men let women support them. Hypocritical, I know, but that's how I was raised. So with that in mind, I'm constantly impressing on Catherine that just because she's a girl, it doesn't mean she has to take shit from anyone. Might doesn't always make right, but it sure as fuck helps. Mike hates it that I teach her to be aggressive physically, but I just worry that she'll be bullied - not that I'm trying to raise her to be the bully.

I think kids who tease should be pistol whipped and their parents beat within an inch of their lives. It infuriates me that children (or adults) can mentally abuse someone and get away with it because there's no obvious physical damage. To hell with that. I'm not above pulling a kid aside and threatening them if they're mean to my child. My mother did it to a boy who was bullying me in grade school. Scared the living shit out of him, but what else could we really do? Talk to the principal? Teacher? Administrative people are bound by regulations that offenders (or their parents) hide behind. Just fucking pisses me off.

Anyhow...I appreciate what you said Tam, although honestly I take no credit for TAC being a home for some of us. The board is what you make of it. I just post movie threads and post pictures of my kids along with occasional art =D Like I said, people come and go and sometimes there are misunderstandings. Text is awful for jokes - something that I myself let get in the way of something important to me, but like all things, time will mend everything...hopefully. Sometimes it doesn't, but I'm glad TAC isn't what ultimately killed smmo. Full of cliques or superior attitudes. At least, I hope it's not. As an admin, I hope I'm approachable. I've learned over the years that being nasty only made you infamous and sometimes that's not that great of a thing. I appreciate that most everyone is cool with everyone else. That's what makes tac a fun place for me.

No Roz, we are all scared of you! It's that fear that keeps us all in line ;)

I am the nicest person you know!

Fear leads to hate, hate leads to anger, and anger leads to some seriously fucked up pictures on deviantart.



Three cheers for you; I think you are my hero of the week. We are not as far gone from our primitive origins as we like to think we are. I think that is really important for people to understand. It's nice to see that other people "get it", and I'm not just delusional. Or, at least, not that delusional.

LOL Pharren, it's all in our heads! I reckon if life was simple and you could download a walkthrough and beat it in 2 hours it wouldn't half as much fun as it is :) Just means that it can suck ass when you get stuck on a particularly mean boss fight, like dealing with bullies or finding a job. But otherwise the xp is good and you can get some neat trinkets along the way :)

I need coffee!

I yelled at some little boy a couple years ago.. and made him cry and his older sister who was around 12-13yrs old. Not something I'm proud of .. but OMFG these kids were little terrors and just all around meanieheads! They were bullies and picked on a lot of the younger kids in the neighborhood. The boy was physically being mean to my son, and his older sister would get verbal (just being crude and cursing at little kids). I finally had enough and snapped the time this boy took my sons skateboard from him and then hit him with it. After those not so kind words with the boy (and his foul mouthed sister), they never bothered my son or the other kids again. They didn't even come back to that part of the neighborhood.

Never stand in the way of a mother and her child. LOL

Okay, now I have two heroes this week.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/12/04/italy.knox.trial/index.html

Amanda Knox found guilty. Anyone surprised?

No not really she didn't really appear to me as a sympathetic character.

Mike is playing CoD MF2 and is talking to himself about how much he's sucking and how everyone else sucks.

slightly amusing.

Fucking psychopath kid is at it again, physically harassing Catherine in school. Talked to the principal first thing this morning and told him Catherine has permission to beat that kid's ass if they don't do something about him. I'm not the only parent that emailed her teacher about that menace, too. Fucking brat.

My mom used to tell me if anyone messed with me to pick up a good sized rock and smash their heads in....really not advisable though. Hope the school will do something but what I remember from growing up they usually didn't do anything.

brrr